The MOST Beautiful Vintage 1950s Wedding Dresses Evar.

If you dream of wearing a 1950s vintage Mad Men-inspired wedding dress (though hopefully you don't aspire to a marriage like Joan or Betty's) AND have a waist that's less than like 27 inches, check out these dream-worthy vintage wedding dresses from Etsy seller Fab Gabs, who even styles her seller's photos so it looks as if she's partying like it's 1959.

($395, William Cahill, Fabgabs.etsy.com)

This dress has FIVE -- count 'em, FIVE -- Mcdreamy layers of tulle. You could be riding a bike or wearing snow pants under there and no one would know. It's so gorgeous I can barely breathe. Bury me in it. But leave the back unzipped, because this bad boy's got a 25" waist. Talk about waiting to exhale. (Shooby!) And credit where it's due -- The Bridal Wishlist scouted this one out!

($225, Fabgabs.etsy.com)

SIX layers of tulle! FOR WHEN FIVE will not do! It's SO beautiful, and I love the sweetheart neckline, but with a 28" underbust: 28" and 24" waist, I'd have to get several ribs removed and drink all my meals through a straw. Ah, but what price fashion? (Side note: the woman who sold me my wedding dress told me that a girl she sold a dress to had to cancel her final fitting because she'd starved herself to the point that she fell over and cracked her head open and had to get about 40 stitches. AHH, admirable committment!)

($250, Fabgabs.etsy.com)

My absolute favorite for that super lacey post-modern dash of Madonna.

PS -- I know I'm probably tardy to the party, but did you see Christina Hendricks on/ in In Style Weddings? (That's my only other non-barfy bridal mag besides New York Magazine Weddings.)

TEAM JOAN! Girl, you could do sidebends and sit-ups, but PLEASE don't lose that butt!

To-Die-For Vintage Wedding Dress On Etsy!

($300, VonlenskaVintage.Etsy.com)

Granted, you'd definitely be flipping the script a little, but if you're looking for a super non-traditional vintage wedding dress, then seriously? Yes. This cream-colored, beaded drop-waist dress has more potential than Lindsay Lohan circa late 2004 -- like, right after she did Mean Girls but before she slid down the coke ladder and into the anorexic abyss.

I love how it's sorta '30s-meets-'80s but not overly either, which makes it still sort of modern without screaming "I THRIFTED THIS AND THEN WORE IT TO MY WEDDING!" Because there's a time and a place for yelling about thrifted stuff, but maybe your wedding isn't it.

Anyway, this could also be a lovely end-of-night dress, if you're so inclined. I'm not, but if you are, then go for it.

A PLAGUE ON YOUR HOUSE, STUART WEITZMAN!

($360, Stuart Weitzman, Zappos)

Not only are these Stuart Weitzman Trianon a fashion MIRACLE -- I mean LOOK at that Deco heel. Could you DIE and come back to LIFE? -- but they'd match my Jenny Packham wedding dress (bought it, btw, at Mark Ingram. Totally painless, and they were wonderful!) PERFECTLY. It's like Jenny Packham and Stuart Weitzman collaborated and MADE my dress to GO with these flipping GORGEOUS heels. Like to borrow a line from Beauty Blogging Junkie's Amber, I'm breathing into a bag over these. HOWEVER, I'm out for BLOOD because they're only available in a 9.5. I breathlessly emailed Zappos who were all like "oh, you're a total doll, lovey, but you're SHIT OUT OF FUCKING LUCK BECAUSE WE'RE NOT GETTING ANY MORE IN." (They didn't swear, but still.) SO NOW WHAT?

Look, I realize that if I DON'T get these, it's not the end of the world. I know I've lived a Very Good Life and that I'm really truly fucking blessed just to have functioning body systems and arms and legs and hands and feet, but speaking of feet, I WOULD STEAL THESE OFF OF SOMEONE'S ACTUAL FEET -- RIP THEM OFF THEIR ANKLES (if they were a size 8). LIKE, WHAT DO I NEED TO DO? WHO DO I NEED TO SLEEP WITH TO GET THESE IN A SIZE 8? Because I'll do it, and I'll sleep with them (quickly, drunkenly, and then deny that it ever hapened). I'm effing serious here.

Anyone know anyone in Stuart Weitzman PR? Anyone know Stuart Weitzman? I REFUSE to believe that there isn't a size 8 sitting in a warehouse somewhere. And I... I'm gonna go Nancy Drew on Stuart Weitzman ass and I'ma FIND 'EM!

YEAH, BISHES!